


SHIELD has WHAT in the rules!?

by havarti2



Category: Avengers (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Based on SHEILD'S OFFICAL RULES FOR LIVING WITH THE AVENGERS by okeydokeyworld on FFN, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Gen, Genderfluid Character, General Shenanigans, Hinted diddly-doo as a prank, Humor, Idiocy in the Highest Form, Jody is really stupid okay, Other, Pansexual Character, Porter is Trying His Best, SHIELD, Someone Save These Children, This fic is gonna be L O N G, air vents, connected oneshots, cross-posted on ffn, lots and lots of air vents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 19:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18644407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havarti2/pseuds/havarti2
Summary: When a rookie agent gets a packet of SHIELD's rules, what better to do than break every last one of them?





	1. The Rulebook

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [SHEILD'S OFFICAL RULES FOR LIVING WITH THE AVENGERS](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/477505) by okeydokeyworld. 



Rookie SHIELD agent Jody McCoy stared down at the thick packet in her hands. She smirked as she looked it over, skimming through the pages. 

The cover read ‘SHIELD’s Official Guidelines and Rules’. 

Jody decided right then and there, standing in the cafeteria of the most secretive and dangerous organization in possibly the whole world, that she was going to do it.

She would break every last one of these rules.


	2. Rule 1

**1\. When and if the air conditioning system malfunctions, it is by no means advisable to use Loki’s Jotun form as an alternate cooling unit.**

 

It was the middle of July and the air conditioner broke. On the hottest day of the week. Jody, who was unbearably roasting in her uniform, sighed.

 

“It’s too hooooooot.” She whined, slumping down in her chair. Her skin burned like the fire of a thousand suns. She wiped sweat from her forehead and slid even further down, ready to roll over and die.

 

That is, until she saw Loki.

 

A lightbulb flashed above her head at the mere sight of the Asgardian. It was time to break rule number one, and she hadn’t even been an agent for a week yet.

 

“Hey, Loki?” She called, grabbing his attention from whatever-it-was-he-was-doing.

 

“What do you want, Midgardian?” He asked with a sneer.

 

“Come here for a minute.” Loki walked over to the slowly-melting Jody.

 

“What is it?”

 

“Go blue, would ya? I wanna see it.” Loki blinked at her.

 

“You do realize I would kill you?”

 

“Yeah, sure, whatever. I’m dying over here anyway.”

 

“...Fine. But just this once because I find you intriguing.” Loki’s normal color faded away, leaving him with blue skin and fierce ruby red eyes. He looked at Jody expectantly, as if waiting for her opinion. Jody blinked.

 

Then she proceeded to practically smother him with her entire body.

 

Engulfed in a hug, Loki struggled to free himself.

 

“GET OFF OF ME, YOU INSIGNIFICANT WORM!” He yelled at her.

 

“NO WAY! YOU’RE COLD AND I’M DYING OF THIS HEAT!” Jody shouted back, hugging him tighter.

 

“I SAID GET OFF!”

 

“AND I SAID NO! BESIDES IT’S RULE NUMBER ONE!” Loki paused.

 

“Rule Number One?” Jody looked at him.

 

“Yeah, in the rookie handbook. No using Loki as air conditioning.”

 

“You only wanted me to revert to my true form to use me as a cooling device for rule breaking?”

 

“Yep, pretty much.”

 

“You are very strange, you know that?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Midgardian?”

 

“Yeah, Blue?”

 

“Let go of me.”

 

“Nah.”


	3. Rule 2

Jody smirked as she looked at the calendar that hung on the wall in the breakroom. She waited five months for this day, this chance to break another rule.

 

It was February Thirteenth, the day before Valentine’s Day.

 

**2\. Agent Barton is not Cupid.**

 

Just as Jody was about to come up with a way to break this seasonal rule, Clint walked into the breakroom.

 

“Morning, Newbie.” He called, breaking her train of thought.

 

“Morning, Hawk.” She replied, hoping that she didn’t sound nervous.

 

“Coffee?” Clint asked, holding up two K-Cups.

 

“Sure, thanks.” Jody smiled. Not often did the archer offer coffee; he usually drank most of it himself. As Clint was brewing the drinks, Jody slipped back into her reverie.

 

“Woohoo, Newbie. Coffee.”

 

Jody blinked. Clint was waving one hand in front of her face while the other held a to-go coffee cup.

 

“I guess you really needed some, huh?” He joked as he handed her the cup.

 

“Thanks, Feathers.” She smiled, taking it from him.

 

Jody quickly downed her coffee as her burning mouth allowed. She threw her cup in the trash and left the breakroom for the supply closet. She grabbed what she needed (both white and pink copy paper, Scotch tape, a Sharpie, and a pair of scissors) then went to the gym.

 

Careful not to be caught by anyone, Jody slipped into the weapons room. She knew it had to be in there somewhere…

 

She looked around several times before her eyes landed on what she sought: Clint’s bow and arrows.

 

She got to work, cutting and taping. Soon, she was finished. She stepped back to admire her work.

 

Jody snuck back to her desk, everyone unsuspecting of what would happen in the very near future.

 

**~o0o~**

 

The next day started out fine.

 

Started out fine.

 

Agents were wishing each other a happy Valentine’s Day. Decorations were hung in the breakroom. Everyone was in a good mood.

 

Until Clint went to get his bow.

 

The scream that followed could be heard throughout the entire Helicarrier.

 

Clint stormed into the breakroom holding his bow and arrows. They were absolutely and utterly covered in pink paper, complete with hearts for arrowheads. Jody just sipped her coffee.

 

“WHO DID THIS!?” He shouted, some of the newer agents flinching at the archer’s voice.

 

Jody put down her cup and snuck around Clint’s back. Another new agent, Porter Hamilton, blinked at her. She put a finger to her lips and Porter slowly nodded.

 

Unfortunately for him, that caught Clint’s attention.

 

“Do ya know who did this, Rookie? Do ya?” Clint interrogated, moving closer to Porter’s face. Porter shook his head rapidly, not wanting to face the archer’s wrath.

 

Jody seized her chance to complete her plan and gently taped a pair of paper angel wings on Clint’s back.

 

She slid back into her seat, picked up her coffee, and carried on like nothing happened.

 

“Hawkeye, we need you for a mission.” Steve’s voice called from down the hall.

 

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” Clint called back. He turned to face Porter again.

 

“You and I aren’t done yet, Rookie.”

 

With that, he stormed off to his mission.

 

A few moments later, everyone could hear Tony ask, “Dude, why do you have Cupid wings?”

 

Clint screamed again and Jody smirked.


	4. Rule 3

**3\. Agent Coulson does not have a long-lost brother named Mycroft Holmes.**

 

Jody walked into Coulson’s office, paperwork in hand. Coulson looked up from whatever he was working on to smile at her.

 

“Good afternoon, Agent McCoy.” 

 

“And to you as well, sir. I have the papers you requested.”

 

“Thanks, just put them over there.” He made a vague ‘on that side of the desk’ gesture. She complied, setting them down on the clearest space she could find. That desk had WAY too much paperwork on it. 

 

Jody watched Coulson as he worked. Something in the back of her mind clicked. Now was her chance to break rule three.

 

“Sir?” She asked, causing Coulson to look up.

 

“Yes?” 

 

Jody hesitated. Seeing Coulson’s expectant gaze was ever-so-slightly nerve racking.

 

“Do you have a brother named Mycroft Holmes, sir?”

 

Coulson blinked. Then he started to laugh.

 

“I know what you’re trying to do, Agent. You want to break the rules in the handbook.”

 

Jody froze. He was on to her. He _knew._

 

“Agent Barton told me what happened on Valentine’s Day, and another agent heard Loki mumbling about being used as a ‘cooling unit by the foolish Midgardian woman’. After a little investigation, I learned it was you. I personally don’t mind if you do break the rules, just… don’t do anything that will kill you or let Fury catch you. Or do anything to me, that wouldn’t end well for you.” Coulson smiled.

 

Jody breathed a sigh of relief.

  

“Thank you, sir.” She headed out of the office.

  

“Oh, Agent McCoy?” She turned around.

 

“Yes, sir?”

 

 “I don’t have a brother named Mycroft Holmes.”

  

“Thank you, sir.” Jody smirked and went on her way.


	5. Rule 4

**4\. Any vodka that happens to be on SHIELD premises solely belongs to Agent Romanoff.**

 

It was a cleaning day for SHIELD, and Jody was on ‘Cabinets and Drawers’ duty. She searched through cabinets and drawers, filing papers, organizing stationary and alphabetizing the snacks in the cafeteria. 

 

Until she found a bottle of imported Russian vodka in one of the cabinets.

 

A lightbulb flashed above her head. She knew what she had to do in order to break this rule. 

 

Drink the whole bottle.

 

Well, maybe only some of it. She didn’t want Hill yelling at her for getting drunk.

 

Fortunately for her, there were paper cups for the water cooler in the cabinet as well. She popped the top off the bottle and poured herself a cup.

 

“Cheers to breaking rule number four.” She mumbled, pretending to make a toast before downing the cup.

 

Several hours later, Coulson was sent to find Jody because she hadn’t returned from her ‘cleaning’. 

 

He found her in the back of the cafeteria’s closet, passed out with half a bottle of Natasha’s vodka.

 

He shook his head and sighed, picking her up and took her back to her room.

 

Coulson put her in bed, left some Advil and a glass of water on the nightstand, and left without saying a word.

 

“That Jody is some handful…” He told himself, shaking his head as he went back to his office.

 

“Now I’ll have to come up with a reason to tell Agent Romanoff why half her vodka is missing.”


	6. Rule 5

**5\. Whatever happens between Stark and Dr. Banner while they are in their lab, stays in their lab. There will be no speculations.**

 

When Tony Stark and Bruce Banner walked out of their lab, they looked completely… speculation-worthy: Bruce was visibly tired. Their clothes were rumpled, as if they were thrown back on in a hurry. Stark was smirking like there was no tomorrow. Bruce was not at all impressed with Tony’s smirk and rolled his eyes.

 

And being the slightly dirty-minded, inner-twelve year old Jody was, she began to speculate. 

 

_ They must have done the naughty.  _ Jody snorted as the thought popped into her head. Unfortunately, Porter, who was passing by, heard her.

 

“What’s so funny?” Porter asked, raising an eyebrow at Jody.

 

“Look at them; they probably did the naughty.” 

 

Porter coughed like he choked on his own spit. He turned to the scientists, who were walking down the hall, chatting. “They… they did  _ what? _ ”

 

“The naughty. You know what I mean.”

 

“No way.” 

 

“They probably did. I heard from Rosie Jameson in HR that they were probably friends with benefits. They might be, considering how they look now.” 

 

Porter’s eyes widened. “Uhhh… I don’t know what to say.”

 

“Maybe spread the rumor, fan the flame. I have a rule to break.”

 

“Excuse me? Did you say-”

 

“Yeah, I’m trying to break the rules. Wanna help? There’s some male-exclusive rules in here that I can’t break unless it’s one of my guy days.”

 

“Come again?” 

 

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. I’m genderfluid. Mostly girl days.”

 

“That’s cool. One of my neighbors is genderfluid.”

 

“Cool.” Jody smiled.

 

“Uh, tell me when it’s a guy day or… a neither day? Is agender in your spectrum?”

 

“Rarely. But yeah, it is. And I’ll be sure to tell you, partner. If I forget, just ask.”

 

“I will.” 

 

“Thanks, man. You rock. How ‘bout we go spread some rumors?”

 

“I’m blaming you if I get caught.”

 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

~o0o~

 

The next day, Tony and Bruce had answered ‘no, we’re not’ to twelve different people’s questions if they were a secret fling. 

 

The duo noticed that the new agent that Coulson brought back to her room on ‘Cleaning Day’ was grinning like a madwoman everytime she saw them. They didn’t know why.


	7. Rule 6

**6\. Whenever Thor is in the general vicinity, everyone is advised to keep Poptarts handy, they work like Snickers bars if Thor gets pissed off.**

 

“This one’s more of a warning than an actual rule…” Jody whined as she walked down the hall with Porter. The two had become close after the ‘Brony Incident’, as they called it. 

 

“What do you mean?” Porter asked, peering over Jody’s shoulder to look at her copy of the rulebook.

 

“Number six. Lookit.” 

 

Porter read it over and gave a ‘hmmph’ sort of noise. “You’re right.”

 

“What’re we gonna do about this one--- ooooh I know.” Jody grinned maniacally. Porter stepped away.

 

“Wha-”

“Shh. I have a great idea. I need your help on this one; if you get caught, blame me.” 

 

“What are you planning, Jo?”

 

“Chaos, Port. Chaos.” 

 

~o0o~

 

Jody and Porter finished the final parts of their plan just as Thor returned from Asgard. 

 

“Welcome back, Thor.” Jody called to him from down the hall, standing in front of a vent. 

 

“Thank you, Lady…?”

 

“Jody McCoy.” 

 

“Lady Jody, then.” 

 

Thor nodded a greeting to Porter, who nodded back. “Say, Lady Jody, have you any Poptarts? I have just returned, as you well know, and I would appreciate a Poptart greatly.” Jody put on a sheepish smile.

 

“Sorry, Thor. Porter and I may have eaten them.”

 

Thor simply stared.

 

“PORTER, NOW’S A GOOD TIME TO FIND COULSON. RUN FOR IT!” Jody yelled as Thor chased her down the hall, Mjolnir in hand. Porter let out a high-pitched squeal and ran for his life, Jody right alongside him.

 

“COULSOOOOOOOOOON!” Jody screamed as she ran past Phil’s office, Porter and Thor in tow.

 

“Agent McCoy, what is going--” Phil poked his out of the door just as Porter and Thor ran past, Porter shrieking like a preschooler and Thor bellowing threats. Phil sighed and stepped out.

 

“Thor? A word, please.” He called. Thor stopped dead in his tracks. 

 

“Ah, Son of Coul! Do you by chance have any Poptarts? Lady Jody and her companion claimed to have consumed all of them.” 

 

“Yes, I do. Try not to kill my new recruits next time, okay? We need them alive.” 

 

~o0o~

 

Clint was navigating through the vents when he bumped into something. He looked up.

 

There were hundreds of boxes of Poptarts in front of him.

 

“What the hell are these doing here?”


	8. Rule 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will know when Jody is not a girl. Jody will be called Jo in such circumstances.

**7\. “Loki made me do it” is not a viable excuse for anything anymore.**

 

“OOOOOH I’M GONNA HAVE FUN WITH THIS ONE!” Jo exclaimed, waving the book in Porter’s face.

 

“That… looks slightly dangerous.” Porter noted, taking the book from Jo’s hands.

 

“Awwww... c’mon, Port. I promise you won’t have to nearly die by the hands of an Avenger for this one. I promise.”

 

“Jo.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Leave me out of this one.”

 

“Fine, but you have to do number 13 for me.”

 

“Which is that one again?” Porter looked down at the book in his hands. His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

 

“Port, I can’t do that one.”

 

“I know… But if I die, I’m blaming you.”

 

“Sure you are. You can even dress as me. Well, this me. Not the other me.”

 

“Oh, so it’s a guy day?” 

 

“Yep. No Jody today. Just Jo or McCoy.”

 

“Got it.”

 

“But seriously. What are you planning?” 

 

“You’ll find out.” Jo smiled maniacally. Porter realized this now was becoming Agent McCoy’s go-to face. What a joy.

 

“Fine, but leave me out of this.”

 

~o0o~

 

Fury walked into the meeting room alongside Hill and Coulson only to be greeted with Jo standing on top of a ladder duct-taping Damian Roche from Linguistics to the ceiling by his ankles.

 

“Agent, what in God’s name do you think you’re doing?” Fury snapped, causing Jo to look over at him.

 

“Duct-taping Agent Roche to the ceiling by his ankles, sir.”

 

“Why!?” 

 

“Loki made me do it, sir.” 

 

Fury’s eye narrowed at Jo. “That excuse doesn’t work anymore, Agent.” 

 

“But he did, sir. You can ask him.”

 

Fury scoffed and stormed out of the room. Hill narrowed her eyes at Jo and walked out after Fury. Coulson stifled a laugh and walked over to Damian’s head. 

 

“Agent McCoy, please un-duct-tape Agent Roche. I’ll catch him.” Coulson stifled another laugh. 

 

“Yessir.” Jo reached into his pocket and pulled out a pocket knife. He sliced clean through the duct tape, causing Damian to drop into Coulson’s waiting arms. Coulson righted Damian and let him go back to work (under an oath of secrecy) while Jo climbed down the ladder.

 

“Rule number seven?” Coulson asked, eyeing the rulebook in Jo’s back pocket.

 

“Yessir. I thought this would be the most entertaining way to break it, sir.” 

 

“Agreed,” Coulson smiled. “But some of these rules include me, and you know what happens when you cross me, right, McCoy?”

 

Jo gulped. “Yessir.”

 

“Good.”

 

~o0o~

 

Porter saw Jo walk into the cafeteria looking half-smug and half-terrified.

 

“So, what did you do?”

 

“Duct-taped Damian from Linguistics to the ceiling of meeting room four by his ankles.”

 

“Then why do you look like you’re gonna die?”

 

“I got a Coulson-level death threat.”

 

“Oh. I hope you don’t die from Coulson.”

 

“Me too, Port. Me too.”


	9. Rule 8

**8\. Neither is “Tony made me do it.”**

 

Jody stared at the book before bursting out laughing, which got her some funny looks from her fellow new recruits, an evil glare from Damian, and a sigh from Porter.

 

“What now?”

 

“Eight’s the same as the last one. But better.”

 

“Gimme the book.”

 

“Nope.”

 

“And why not?”

 

“You have your own.”

 

“...I may or may not have lost mine when we were running from Thor.”

 

“Ask Hill for a new one.”

 

“No way, she scares me.”

 

“Better than Fury.”

“Nope.”

 

“Really?” 

 

“She’s made of nightmare material.”

 

“Dude.”

 

The duo headed down to the cafeteria for lunch, chatting all the while.    
  


“Hey! You! Rookie!” A voice shouted from one of the labs. Jody and Porter turned around. Tony Stark was sticking his out of the door, smiling. “Yeah, you. Lady. C’mere.”

 

Jody looked at Porter then Tony before shrugging. “Eh, why not. Port, save me a seat, will ya? Whaddaya want, Stark?”

 

“C’mere and I’ll tell you.”

 

“Alright, alright, I’m comin’. Don’t get your undies in a twist.”

 

Upon entering the lab, Tony closed the door behind Jody. He grinned maniacally, his smile similar to one Jody herself would pull.

 

“I know what you did on Valentine’s Day.”

 

Jody blinked. “Really.”

 

“Yep, I hacked the video feed.”

 

“I knew you would. Starks, always so nosy.” 

 

“HEY!” 

 

“What? It’s true. And why did you want me in here anyway?”

 

“I want you to do something for me.”

 

Jody perked up. “What?”

 

“I want you to do something for me.” 

 

Jody pulled her ‘I am sooooo not going to regret this’ grin. “What do you want me to do?” 

 

Tony smirked. “Take Cap’s shield and paint it pink and sparkly with Hello Kitty stickers.”

 

Jody choked on her saliva, eyes wide. 

 

“There is no way I could do that. He’d KILL me.”

 

“Rule Numero Ocho says you do.”

 

“You sneaky little--”

 

“Ah, ah, ah. Don’t let Cap hear you say that. He doesn’t like naughty language words.”

 

“Shut the hell up.”

 

Tony smirked. “So are you in or out?”

 

“I never said I wouldn’t.”

 

“Good.”

 

~o0o~

 

Several hours later…

 

~o0o~

 

It was mission time again, and Steve couldn’t find his shield anywhere. He was about to ask the other Avengers if any of them had seen it.

 

A rookie agent was speed-walking down the hall. Steve tapped his shoulder as he passed, and he turned.

 

“Y-Yeah?” He stammered, obviously a little shell shocked by seeing Captain America (or because he knew what was going to happen).

 

“I know you’re still rather new, but have you seen my shield? I have to leave for a mission.” Steve asked.

 

“Yeah, I s-saw it i-in m-meeting room th-three.” He answered, anxious to get to wherever he was going.

 

“Thank you…?”

 

“D-Damian R-Roche.”

 

“Thank you, Damian.”

 

“N-No problem.”

 

With that the two parted ways; Steve heading to meeting room three to get his shield, Damian running for his life. 

 

Steve opened the door to meeting room three, only to find another rookie agent… applying Hello Kitty stickers to it. The shield was covered in pink glitter paint.

 

~o0o~

 

The door opened, and Jody turned. Standing just inside the doorway was Steve Rogers, staring in horror and outrage at his shield. Jody put another sticker on and gulped.

 

“Before you say anything, Stark made me do it.”

 

She then bolted out of the room, half-laughing, half-screaming like a maniac. 

 

Steve picked up his beloved shield, and walked calmly out of the meeting room. He’d have to report the incident at a later time: the mission was priority one at the moment.

 

Just as he got into the Quinjet, he could hear someone shouting from the deck.

 

“STARK, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME!”


	10. Rule 9

**9.** **Flattery does not work on Agent Wade Wilson, he is covered in scars, and he knows it.**

“Another not-rule…” Jody groaned, slamming her head on the cafeteria table. Porter patted her back sympathetically.

“You could work something out like last time… this time, try not to get us killed.” He suggested. Jody looked over at him.

“Yeah, I guess. But how am I supposed to swing this one?” She contemplated, scratching her head.

“Think about it for a while, then do something.”

“Thanks Port! What would I do without you?”

“Probably break these rules and get killed on several occasions.”

“...That’s surprisingly true.”

“Mhm.”

~o0o~

Several hours and many, many, many stacks of copy paper and ink cartridges later, Jody had finished. She stepped back and admired her work. Satisfied, she went back to her room and turned in for the night.

~o0o~

The next day, every single agent in the entirety of SHIELD stared in mild shock and horror at the walls. 

The walls were completely and totally COVERED in flattering notes dedicated to… Wade, aka: 

Deadpool.

There were love notes to Deadpool everywhere.

Some of the rookie agents burst out laughing. Most of the other, older agents either stared at the posters or sighed and shook their heads.

Wade, however, was ecstatic.

“Do you guys see this!? Someone is my fan!” He shouted at the other agents. Before they had a chance to respond, however, he ran off to pester another group of agents about the ‘amazing thing that one of his fans did for him’. 

Porter had to stifle a snicker. Jody let out a bubbling, boisterous cackle.

“You really did it this time, Jo.”

Jody just kept laughing.


	11. Rule 10

Jo stared at the next rule in absolute terror. He looked up from the book to a random place in the distance, eyes wide.

 

“Porter.” 

 

Porter stopped typing and looked up. “Yeah? What?”

 

“I’m going to die.”

 

“Is it the rule?”

 

Jo nodded.

 

“I’m going to die, Porter. Or get moved to Siberia. Either way, this is the end of Rookie SHIELD Agent Jo McCoy.”

 

“Gimme the book, you sissy.” Porter snatched the book from Jo’s desk and read the rule over. He slowly slid the book back onto Jo’s desk and stared at him.

 

“You’re gonna die.”

 

Jo gave a half sob, half groan and nodded, face first in the desk.

 

**10\. Personal time between Agent Coulson and his coffee must not be disturbed.**

 

~o0o~

 

Coulson sighed into his cup of coffee, enjoying the peace and quiet. No alien attacks, no crazy killer robots, no fighting between Tony and Steve. It was nice for a change.

 

Taking another sip, Coulson realized something: it was almost TOO quiet. 

 

Meaning Agent McCoy hadn’t attempted to break a rule yet.

 

Coulson put down his coffee and went to find a copy of the rules. The door to his office swung shut behind him. 

 

A few moments later, the door opened. Jo poked his head into the room, glancing around for any sign of Coulson. Finding none, he sighed in relief before he tiptoed over to the coffee. 

 

“Why did it have to be Coulson…” He groaned.

 

He quickly wrote a note on a post-it and stuck it to the computer screen. Jo took a deep breath…

 

And shot Coulson’s coffee cup.

 

Glass shattered and coffee spilled from the remnants of the mug. Jo moved the computer so it wouldn’t get wet.

 

Then ran for his life.

 

Jo sprinted down the hallway, dodging people left and right. He most certainly wasn’t gonna die today, no sir. He had to find somewhere to hide. 

 

Jo, in the midst of his terror, spotted an open vent. Clint had probably just exited or entered it. Jo looked around frantically for any sign of Coulson and hoisted himself up into the vent, pulling the grate up behind him.

 

He breathed a sigh of relief before he crawled throught the duct. After a couple yards, something grabbed his ankle, keeping him from going any further. Jo stifled a yelp and whirled his head around. 

 

Clint was in the vent behind him, holding his ankle.

 

“What are you doing in here, newbie?” Clint asked. Jo put his finger up to his lips rapidly.

 

“Shhh, I’m hiding for my life.” 

 

“Why would you need to do that?” Clint whispered, letting go of Jo’s ankle.

 

“I accidentally-not-really-accidentally-more-on-purpose shot Coulson’s coffee.”

 

“You did what!?”

 

“Shot his coffee. Please don’t tell him, I dont wanna die.” Jo pleaded, using his puppy eyes.

 

“Kid, you’re dead even if I don’t tell him. Coulson always finds out.”

 

“Thanks a lot, Barton.”

 

“You’re welcome…?”

 

“Jo McCoy.”

 

“You’re welcome, McCoy.”

 

“Do you have any place to hide me?”

 

“Try Banner’s lab?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Anytime.”

 

Jo crawled off to Bruce’s lab. He kicked open the vent and jumped down, quickly hiding on top of one of the large pieces of equipment. 

 

“No one ever looks up when looking for someone…” He whispered to himself.

 

Luckily for him, the lab was empty at the moment. Bruce was probably getting coffee or something. 

 

Before Jo could come up with any more reasons why Bruce wasn’t in his lab, the door opened. Jo jumped slightly before looking down to see who it was. 

 

It was Stark.

 

“PSST! STARK!” Jo hissed at Tony. He looked around.

 

“Who’s there?”

 

“It’s me, McCoy.”

 

“Oh! The one who did the thing with Cap’s shield! Where are ya?”

 

“Up here.”

 

Tony looked up to see Jo hiding on top of a piece of equipment. “What’re you doing up there?”

 

“Hiding from Coulson.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I may or may not have attempted to break rule ten.”

 

Tony was dead silent, staring at Jo with wide eyes.

 

“Well, shit. It was good knowin’ ya, kid.”

 

“Stark.”

 

“Yeah, kid?”

 

“How screwed am I?”

 

“Very. Better start packing your things. You’re probably on a one way trip to Siberia.”

 

Jo gulped. 

 

“Shit.”


	12. Rule 11

**11.** **The same thing goes for Thor and his hammer… get your heads out of the gutter, not** **_that_ ** **hammer.**

 

Jody stared at the rulebook in absolute terror.  She slowly turned to Porter, who was sitting next to her, drinking his coffee. He rotated his head ever-so-slightly to acknowledge her gaze.

 

“What?” He asked, raising his eyebrows as Jody slammed her forehead on the desk.

 

“This book is TRYING to get me killed.” 

 

“What now?”

 

“Thor.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

Porter sipped his coffee again, moving his head back to it’s original position. “Hey, Jody?”

 

“Mmph.”

 

“What happened with the last one anyway?” 

 

Jody shivered and slid under her desk. “You DO NOT want to know.”

 

Porter just stared in mild terror as Jody started to mumble “Please not that please don’t hurt me please don’t send me away please I’m sorry” over and over.

 

“Jo, you’re freaking me out.”

 

More mumbling.

 

“Jody.” Mumble.

 

“Jody.” Mumble mumble.

 

“AGENT MCCOY!”

 

“DON’T SHOOT ME!” Jody shot straight up, banging her head on the underside of her desk. “OW FRICK!”

 

“Is everything alright, Agent?” Hill’s voice called from across the room.

 

“Yes, ma’am!” Jody called back, rubbing her throbbing head.

 

Hill eyed her warily before going back to whatever she was doing. Jody sighed. “I’m gonna die when I get to one of hers…”

 

“Yeah you are.”

 

“Shut up Porter you aren’t helping.”

 

“What are you going to do about today, though?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Jody sighed and placed her forehead on her desk. 

 

“I’ll figure something out… and if I die, you’re wearing a dress to my funeral.”

 

~o0o~

 

Jody snuck her way through the hallways to where Thor’s room was located. Upon seeing that he was elsewhere at the moment (lucky her), Jody silently slipped past the door, closing it behind her. Mjölnir was sitting on the nightstand. 

 

“How the hell am I supposed to move you?” Jody sighed, grasping the handle and giving it a hard tug.

 

Then she crashed to the floor.

 

Mjölnir was in her hand. She was HOLDING Mjölnir. 

 

“WHAT THE SHIT!?” She whisper-yelled, staring wide-eyed at the hammer. “I can LIFT you!?” 

 

Mjolnir thrummed with power. “Guess I’ll take that as a yes. But wouldn’t you be mad from the poptart incident?”   
  


Another, weaker thrum. “Well, thanks for letting me hold you. I know I’ll probably never use the power, it’s not my cup of tea knowing that you have someone better trained than me, but Thor’s your owner. I’ll never try to take you away from him… except for this one rule.”

 

Jody climbed up into the vents with her one free hand. Making her way through the tight space, she dropped down in the men’s room across from Tony’s lab, which Tony had claimed for himself. She walked into the singular stall.

 

“I am so sorry for this, I promise never to do it again.” She whispered to Mjölnir. With that, she set it down on the toilet lid.

 

She crept back up into the vents just as Tony walked into the stall.

 

“WHAT THE HELL, THOR!?” 

 

Jody snickered to herself, and found her way back to her desk.


	13. Rule 12

**12\. Do not try to summon Agent Barton with bird calls.**

 

“PfffffffffffffwahahahAHAHAHAHAHA WHO DID THAT IN ORDER FOR IT TO BE A RULE!? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Jody laughed, clutching her sides to keep herself from falling over.

 

“Give it here?” Porter asked, taking the book from her. He read it, then handed the book back. He smiled. 

 

“Man, you’re gonna have a blast with this one.”

 

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, phew, hell yeah I am.”

“Do you even know any bird calls?”

 

“Ask anyone in my ecology class, I did the best damn owl call any one of ‘em’s ever heard.”

 

“Okay then.”

 

~o0o~

 

Twenty minutes and several vents later, Jody found the perfect hiding spot: the hanging lamp in the central-meeting-place-thing with the desks and the circle-thing that Fury stood on (which she always forgot what the whole room was actually called).

 

“Ehehehe, this is gonna be great.” She smiled before cupping her hands around her mouth.

 

“Hooo hoo hoo hooooo!” 

 

~.~SAME TIME, DIFFERENT PLACE~.~

 

Clint’s head shot up from his paperwork. Natasha stared at him, one eyebrow raised in mild confusion.

 

“What?” She asked, but Clint put his finger to his lips. A moment of silence passed before Clint spoke.

 

“Did you hear that?”

 

“Hear what.”

 

“The owl.”

 

“What owl?”

 

“The one that was just hooting.”

 

“Hooo hoo hoo hooooo!”

 

“SEE THAT ONE!”

 

“There are no owls on the Helicarrier and you know it.”

 

“But Tashaaaaa what if the biologists got one?”

 

“They didn’t.”

 

“But what if they did?”

 

“Hoooo hoo hoo hoooooo!”

 

Clint stood up. “I’m going to find that owl.”

 

Natasha sighed. “Suit yourself.”

 

With that, Clint went on his search for the ‘owl’.

 

~.~ BACK TO JODY ~.~

 

Jody snickered as she watched the door. Clint had already walked past it four times, doubling back for his fifth. She called once more before the door swung open with a bang. 

 

Fury stormed into the room, red in the face. 

 

“WHERE IS THAT GODDAMN BIRD!?” He shouted into the ‘empty’ room. Jody flinched and held her breath. Then, Clint walked in.

 

“That’s what I wanna know…” He muttered, looking around. Jody didn’t move.

 

Fury grumbled some choice language under his breath and left, Clint in tow after giving the room one more once-over. The door closed behind them and Jody sighed in relief. She crawled over to the vent and snuck inside.

 

~o0o~

 

Jody slid back into her seat with a smirk. Porter blinked at her. 

 

“What?”

 

“You were right, those were good owl calls.”

 

“I told you so.”


	14. Rule 13

“Well, Porter Hamilton, it’s finally your time to shine.” Jo smirked. 

 

“What.” Porter stopped in his tracks.

 

“It’s finally time for rule thirteen.” 

 

Porter’s eyes widened as he scrambled for the rulebook. A moment of sheer terror passed over his face as he read and re-read the rule.

 

**13\. Loki can change his gender, when this happens, it is advisable for men to stay away, or else suffer extreme blood loss via the nose.**

 

At Porter’s expression, Jo laughed maniacally. 

 

“I WIN!! TAKE THAT, PORTER HAMILTON!” They shouted, waving an outstretched finger at the despairing rookie. 

 

“Sometimes I really hate you.” Porter grumbled in defeat.

 

“I love you too, Port. Now go get some.” Jo smirked, playfully nudging his shoulder.

 

“Why don’t you go?” Porter asked, glaring at them.

 

Jo was silent. “Shit.”

 

“We’ll both go then?” Porter suggested.

 

“Yeah, you’ll need someone to carry you to the med wing, you big dork.”

 

“I thought we agreed that I was the nerd and you were the dork?” 

 

“Nope, you’re the dork. I’m the nerd. Stark’s the geek.”

 

“Since when did we decide on Stark?!”

 

“Just now.”   
  


“...You aren’t wrong.”

 

“Of course I’m not wrong, I’m awesome.”

 

“...Don’t we have a rule to break?”

 

“Oh yeah, almost forgot. Thanks Port.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

~o0o~

 

Jo and Porter stealthily snuck down the hallways to the breakroom, where Loki was bound to be. Jo put their finger to their lips, signaling to Porter that he had to be absolutely silent. Porter nodded. Then, Jo walked into the breakroom, Porter outside.

 

“Yo, Blue.” Jo greeted, giving Loki a two finger salute. He returned their greeting with a deadpan stare.

 

“What do you want, Midgardian.” 

 

“Wow, nice to see you too. Can you turn into a lady?”

 

Loki blinked at Jo, almost dumbfounded. “Why in the Nine Realms would you want me to do that?”

 

“Rule stuff, duh.” Jo deadpanned.

 

“Fair point, Midgardian.”

 

There was a flash of green light, and where Loki once was sat a very,  _ very _ , attractive woman. Jo gave a low whistle at the sight before them.

 

“Damn, Loki, they really weren’t kidding when they wrote the rules, you might just give someone a heart attack.” Jo joked, nudging Loki in the ribs with their elbow.

 

“Maybe that is the idea.” Loki smirked, brushing some hair away.

 

“Hey, Jo, what’s taking so long?” At that very moment, Porter walked into the breakroom. He took one look at Loki and stopped dead in his tracks. His jaw dropped and he didn’t make a sound. He tried to speak, held up one finger, then promptly collapsed.

 

“Oh, shit, Port! Are you okay?” Jo was immediately by Porter’s side, lifting him up and slinging one of his arms around their shoulders.  Porter barely turned his head to look at them.

 

“I hate you… so much right now.” He mumbled, before his head drooped and he lost consciousness again.

 

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll get me later, I get it.” Jo grumbled. They turned to Loki, who had changed back to his usual look. “I’m taking him to bed, and also that was hilarious.”

 

“Whatever, Midgardian. I may do it again in the future just to see the idiotic look on his face.” Loki grinned a Cheshire Cat smile. Jo gave him a deadpan stare. 

“I will personally fight you if you make him faint again.”

 

And with that Jo half-carried, half-dragged Porter to his room, leaving Loki smirking to himself in the breakroom.


End file.
